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Scatterbomb Presents “Honey, I Shrunk Scatterbomb!”

by LAUREN SCHUSTER, Social Media Editor

Mountain Dew Baja Blast, rowing lessons and Michael Phelps might seem like an odd combination, but for the Scatterbomb crew, it’s just another Friday night in Hayden 100.

The first scene of the evening started with Brendan Hanney and Kevin Donald’s characters on a first date at Papa John’s. As the date continued, Donald’s character made it clear that he was obsessed with two things: the girl he’s on a date with, and drinking Mountain Dew Baja Blast. However, a wrench was thrown in Donald’s plans to woo his lady when Erin McWilliams and Meredith Taylor sat at the table next to them and started getting into some dramatic divorce proceedings. To add salt to McWilliams’ already deep wound, Taylor was revealed to be having an affair with their divorce lawyer, played by Aeden Roney.

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The Scatterbomb crew puts on their opening skit.
LAUREN SCHUSTER / THE QUADRANGLE

As Hanney escaped Donald’s growing obsession by stealing away to the bathroom, Donald confronted McWilliams and Roney, accusing them of ruining his “perfect date” with their depressing divorce drama. When Hanney returned, Donald spent some time questioning his date and then revealed that his name was Jeremy Dahmer, laughing at its “weird” similarity to serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer before running off to the bathroom himself. In his absence, Hanney attempted to enlist Taylor and Roney’s help to escape the date, explaining Donald’s weird mention of Jeffrey Dahmer. Roney, who had just revealed to Taylor that he had abandoned his son many years ago, came to the realization that his last name is Dahmer too, implying that Donald was actually his long lost son.

The team transitioned to the next sketch, where Donald began directing McWilliams rollerskating as part of a Subway ad for Five Dollar Footlongs. Soon, other members joined in, posing as famous athletes for the commercial. Hanney raised concerns about hitting a meatball with a meatball sub like a baseball, and Roney, playing Michael Phelps, discussed how to keep the sub from getting wet when he jumped in the pool. Donald was revealed to be filming the entire thing on his smartphone, and got nothing but terrible, choppy footage before his phone ran out of battery. However, the group then cut to Donald accepting the award for commercial of the year for his work.

In the following scene, Aunt Janet, played by Roney, was suffering from an empty nest, and went to Taylor to see if she could “borrow” one of her kids by taking them to live with her. This launched into a competition between Hanney and Donald to win her affections in which it was revealed that Hanney’s bowel movements were too large for Aunt Janet’s toilets and Donald showed off some of his tap dancing skills. Aunt Janet was unimpressed by this, and asked if the “baby,” four year old Sally, played by McWilliams, was up for grabs. Taylor called her downstairs and Aunt Janet was smitten. Arguments ensued, with Hanney once again asking why he can’t be the one to live with Aunt Janet. Donald replied with a simple reminder, yelling “big poops!” The audience exploded into laughter.

The next scene began with McWilliams and Hanney miming rowing a boat, with McWilliams instructing him and reassuring him that he’s doing fine. Then, Taylor and Moira Delaney came up next to them in their own imaginary rowboat, heckling McWilliams and Hanney about their slowness. Soon Donald and Roney called out to the rowers saying “Ahoy! Ahoy! We are the harbormasters!”

The harbor masters then accused Taylor and Delaney of speeding and McWilliams and Hanney of being too slow. Donald, pretending to hold a harpoon gun, then began to tell the group that he used to hunt whales, and hunted them into non-existence in the very waters they are rowing in. Next thing you knew, Taylor was shot by the harpoon gun, killing her and the scene.

In the next sketch, Donald mimed reading a book in the library, announcing “This one is on Sudan. Very cool!”

Taylor joined him, discussing her love of books and asking him about his literary interests. Donald revealed that he has only read seven books in his life: the first six Harry Potter books and “Heart of Darkness.” Naturally, Taylor asked him why he never read the seventh Harry Potter book, to which Donald responded “I just don’t want it to end!” and began to get choked up. He then revealed that he sometimes likes to pretend that “Heart of Darkness” is a continuation of Harry Potter in which the characters go on an adventure up the Congo River. They then cut to Donald’s interpretation of a Harry Potter and “Heart of Darkness” crossover, with him having scar pain in the African jungle.

The group opened the next scene with Roney throwing a chair and bashing his head into the wall in an elaborate display of how fed up he was with his brothers tormenting him. His brothers, played by Donald and Hanney, attempted to calm him and then mess with him again before he could tell their mom on them. Donald pretended to crack an egg on Roney’s back, followed by Donald pretending to stab him in the back with a knife. Roney began to flip out again and yell for their mom. Donald and Hanney rushed to quiet him and yelled out reasons why their mom could not enter the room. Eventually, they began stacking up the folding stairs on stage as a barricade to the imaginary door that their mom was on the other side of. Roney had finally had enough, and mimed pulling out a knife. Donald yelled out “Where did you get a real knife?” as Roney approached him and Hanney menacingly. Roney began to stab his entire family, parents and grandma included. Ending the scene, he yelled out, “Sometimes you have to crack a few eggs to make a [expletive] omelette!” as the audience cheered.

The next scene centered around an a capella group waiting for their vocalist to arrive to begin rehearsal. The vocalist, it turned out, was David Archuleta, played by Hanney. Unfortunately, Hanney revealed that he had come down with bronchitis and needed someone to take his place. He offered up Donald as a suggestion, citing listening to him sing in the shower a few days earlier. Kevin then launched into a brief rendition of “Uptown Funk” before they cut the scene.

To close out the evening, McWilliams, Taylor and Delaney acted out a meeting of a support group for people with certain dietary restrictions. Delaney served as the new member of the group, explaining to them that she “just can’t eat blanched almonds anymore.” They then cut to why Delaney was traumatized by blanched almonds, showing her and Donald on a date at Papa John’s in which they ordered blanched almonds. The group rehashed some elements of the opening sketch, truly bringing the evening full circle. Like Hanney, Delaney escaped to the bathroom to avoid Donald. This time, Hanney played the waiter, who Donald sent to go check Delaney. “Tell him I got drafted,” Delaney instructed Hanney. Refusing to accept his abandonment, Donald closed the show by loudly announcing to those around them, “She’s coming back! She said she had a war and then she was going to come back!”

Unlike Delaney’s character, Scatterbomb will be back with another show soon. The group’s final performance of the year will take place on May 3 in Hayden 100.

About The Quadrangle (1211 Articles)
The Quadrangle, founded in 1924, is the student-run newspaper of Manhattan College.
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